


Tales from Hell: House Inspection

by DK_Eldritch



Series: Tales from Hell: Hazbin Hotel [6]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Action, Action Dueling, Alastor Being a Jerk (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor is in Hell for a Reason (Hazbin Hotel), Angel Dust Being Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Awkwardness, Breaking and Entering, Cannibalism, Comedy, Dimension Travel, Drama, Drug Use, Gen, Home Improvement, Inspection, Louisiana Voodoo vibe, Minor Charlie Magne/Vaggie, Nazis, Touring, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:33:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22470382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DK_Eldritch/pseuds/DK_Eldritch
Summary: A tension is growing between Charlie and Alastor. The revelation that Charlie had received about his schemes has sucked away any good will she had for the demon, and with the sudden arrival of an eccentric designer seeking to renovate the hotel the flames of conflict are lit. The two are set for a crash course that'll decide the fate of their lives and the hotel's.But before that Interior Designer Fury gets to tour the hotel and see the living conditions of all of the hotel staff. The Happy Hotel is a strange place and the people in it are just as strange.
Relationships: Alastor & Charlie Magne, Lilith Magne/Lucifer Magne
Series: Tales from Hell: Hazbin Hotel [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550146
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	1. The Dog that Sparked the Fire

“Hell is not a forgiving place.” A dog demon stood at the entrance of the Happy Hotel, eyeing it top to bottom. “It has no compunction in taking its victims and stringing them out into its malformed manipulable puppets. It is a drain on the human soul. To those who thought life had a horrid taste for reality, Hell is double that. To brave this horrid landscape requires the might of a hero, a person of unconquerable willpower and determination that would stare at the malfeasance of new life and say nothing of it. I have lost many brothers since coming to this world of suffering. It is up to me to impress the mark of my former empire into Hell’s landscape before my final fall. This building, a monument to the devil’s handiwork, shall be one of those marks..”

Deep in the kitchen of the Happy Hotel, Angel was taking to the knife. It had been awhile since he had cooked an actual meal and decided to volunteer to help Niffty with cooking. This was the excuse that he’d tell everyone when they asked why he was in the kitchen. The real answer was that since he wasn’t staff and barely registered as a patient, he was forced to take up any role in order to maintain his room and board. It was an inconvenience, but since his piggy was home now and life at the studio was stressful it was a good way to keep out of trouble.

“Alright is everything good. Are we good?” Angel asked, his eyes twitching and darting everywhere. He breathed in a bag. “Okay. Got a shit load of vegetables, a shit load of pasta and a nice helping of some’a good mozzarella. Bam! That oughta be enough for a week’s worth of food. My week of work is cleared. Or is it?”

He stored the rest of the food but kept a plate for him to taste test. After all it was still warm. With everything nice and presentable he walked out into the dining room where a Great Dane in a suit was in his seat staring at him. He had a deadly seriousness to his face.

“Um, hello?” Angel put a finger to his lip. “Can I help you?” The dog said nothing. “You know the dog kennel is three blocks down right?”

“Where is your manager?” The demon answered. “I was promised a meeting to present my artistic services.”

“I dunno. Didn’t you talk to the guy at the front desk?”

“What front desk?”

Angel poked his head out of the dining room. “Husk! You let some jack-off walk into the hotel without permission!”

Husk woke up and stumbled his way into view. “What, is that part of my job description now?” He grumbled. “Like I gotta go and-. Is that mozzarella?”

“Take care of this guy first. Hey!” Angel was pushed aside as Fury left the dining room and hopped in the elevator. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’ve observed this place top to bottom from the outside, so I know where the master bedroom is. Therefore I’ll solve this tardiness immediately.” The door shut on him and he made his way up.

Angel looked at Husk and hit the button for another elevator. "Your problem fuzzball." This made Husk sigh. The terrors of early morning. The elevator dinged.

Up on the twelfth floor at the end of the hallway lied the master suite, the owner’s personal apartment lodging. It took up a large chunk of the floor and gave the owners a bit of privacy when not dealing with guests, a vital addition for someone such as the devil himself. In the master bedroom Charlie and Vaggie were fast asleep, snug as a bug, back to back. A knock at the door woke them up.

“Charlie,” Vaggie said, “It’s your turn to answer.”

“Alright,” she yawned back. “Is that our door or the hotel’s door we’re hearing?”

“I can’t hear the front door from here. That’s your thing.”

The door knocked again, but this time on the bedroom door. Charlie had to double take. “Was that...louder?”

“Yes it was,” said Fury walking in. The three locks on the door did nothing. “And I am very disappointed in you two Frauleins. You should be ashamed for making me wait.”

Charlie and Vaggie jumped out of bed in a fright, which was the worst thing they could do because they were barely dressed to start. Vaggie at least had the decency to start throwing knives. “GET OUT OF OUR ROOM!”

“Not until I get my tour! This is a serious matter!” the dog demon stated, dodging all the while. “If you think sharp weaponry will prevent my renovation then you are sorely mistaken.”

“I didn’t order a renovation.” Charlie replied, trying to get Vaggie to stop throwing. “Alright Mister. Fess up. Who are you?”

“I am Fury von Eisenhund, and-.” A knife pinned his sleeve to the door behind him. Vaggie had more at the ready. “And I had been hired by this establishment to renovate the premises. Is this not correct?”

“Uh, no. No we didn’t.” Vaggie answered. “And also, while we’re on the subject, why are you here, in our hotel, in our bedroom, AT 7 IN THE MORNING!?”

“...Your arachnid chef is already up and productive.”

“Angel Dust is a coke addict.”

Back downstairs in the kitchen. “Shit this high is going down. C’mon brownies, get baking. I said get baking!” Angel breathed in another puff of cocaine. “Woo! Month’s supply here we come!”

“Just tell me if you are the owner of this establishment,” Fury said. “The one who requested my services was not a woman such as yourself. If so then your management is as much of a joke as this building’s architecture. Now c’mon. Talk.”

“Oh. I get it.” Charlie’s mind pieced everything together. Her brow furrowed. “He’s down on the sixth floor. We can go meet him. Right. Now.”

“Excellent, but in the meantime let me inspect this room.” He pulled out the knife and stashed it. His eyes scanned the massive bedroom and its pearly white walls. “This apartment, it came into your possession recently no? It’s bland, bald. It lacks power. Are these hints of paintings on the wall? You’ve stripped yourself of aesthetic pleasure. I must fill it with greater meaning.”

“Alright, hold the phone.” Vaggie took the initiative and got dressed. “First off, we didn’t ask you to be here, so don’t press your services on us. And second, why would we listen to artistic advice from a literal Nazi?”

“Please, you underestimate my position. I was known as _Der_ _Blumenmaler_. I was given the privilege of being Hitler’s top personal interior designer. Of course I’ve advanced my skills since death.” He finished investigating the room. “Now Fraulein, the caller?”

Charlie put on her button up and jacket. An undercurrent of rage was building up underneath her. There was more than enough choice words for the Radio Demon already. She got ready for a brawl.


	2. Alastor's Room: Bebop Bayou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Husk shows the gang Alastor's room, a magical southern land of blues, BBQ and a helping of cannibalism.

When the three left the apartment they found Husk sleeping in a ball on the elevator floor. It looked like he got himself comfy the second he got in. He took one look up at them and brushed them aside with his wings. “Go away. Its too early to give a shit about you.”

“Shut it Mr. Concierge. We’re going to Alastor’s room. Now,” Charlie said. The fury in her voice caught the cat man’s attention. It demanded respect.

“Fine whatever,” he grumbled. “Jesus 7:00 AM is too early to live in the morning I swear.” The group piled in and the elevator made its way down. The ride was eerily quiet.

“So, hound guy,” Vaggie said. “You’re a decorator right?

“I am.”

“But, we’re in Hell. What kind of person would even ask for a decorator?”

“Plenty of people, young lady,” he replied. “And very high class gentlemen too if I must be honest.”

“Why would they hire you?” Charlie asked, leaning against the wall. “Most high class demons have supernatural powers far beyond the realm of a mortal soul. They can make their homes whatever they like whenever they like.”

“Yes but it’s never as good as they want it to be. We demons are foggy creatures. Our brains are filled with many other thoughts that distract us from the detail true art desires. I however, am precise. My powers and unwavering disposition allow me to craft an unpolished piece of architecture into a delicate and balanced rendition, a combination of grace and accuracy.”

“Right,” Vaggie said. “Well, this place could use a little freshening up. It hasn’t been taken care of.”

“Trust me Fraulein, by the end of this day this hotel shall be reformed from top to bottom. It’ll stand for a thousand years.” This caught Charlie’s attention, but she didn’t know what to make of it.

The elevator opened Husk showed them to room 66 where the door was a dangerous red and something was growing from underneath the frame. Husk turned the doorknob. The place was unlocked.

“Aren’t you going to knock?” Vaggie asked, giving Fury a glare. "Maybe show some courtesy?"

“Knocking don’t do nothing. You have to go in to talk, and if there’s one room you don't wanna be in, it’s Alastor’s room.” They believed him.

When they entered the staff was greeted by an extra dimensional swamp full of voodoo signs and a dozen alligators staring them down. A single path led them further in, a disassembled row of cobblestones that were floating just above the water. Charlie took a step out.

“Hold up there,” Husk pulled her back. “Just call out to him. He’ll come to us.”

“Oh,” she said, realizing that the stones were just more alligators. “Alastor, come out here. We need to talk.”

The room shifted under a flurry of voodoo symbols and magic. Through the dense Louisiana fog an island with a house and fenced garden pushed through the blue haze and across the marshy waters. It connected to their patch of land with a thud. When the staff climbed to the top they found Alastor eating in his garden like nothing was wrong. He waved for them to come in.

“Good morning ladies and gentleman,” he said while sipping some iced tea. “This is the Radio Demon asking, why you’ve come to my humble abode?”

“That would be me.” Fury stepped forward. For a second it looked like Alastor was about to not smile. The dog demon was almost fazed as well. “You called for my services, but I see you’re busy eating...that.”

Alastor looked down to observe his meal. The chunk of meat looked like a poodle that was dipped into a pool of fried batter and had a stick jabbed through it. Parts of the exposed flesh still had fur to it. An awkward situation to be sure. “Well you’re here earlier than I imagined, but yes, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.”

“It’s Happy Hotel,” Charlie interrupted.

“Have you read the sign recently?” The two glared at each other. “Happy, Hazbin, whatever. So yes, I’d like a redecoration of this entire establishment. It’s too much like its original use. It needs, pizzazz, functionality.”

“What does that mean?” Charlie asked.

Fury stepped forward. “It’s like I said before. If it were up to me I’d replace every shred of this place with the canvas of perfection! Speaking of which, this room.” He observed the never ending expanse of swamp. “Don’t mark me for a fool Mr. Alastor. I had designed Lord Belial’s estate and he pulled the same scheisse as this. Revert this room to its normal state at once.”

“Hmmm, suit yourself.” He snapped his fingers and the room reverted to normal. The room he actually stayed in was rather plain with a desk, a chair, a radio, and a handful of bodies tied, bagged and smeared across the walls. A few of them looked like previous patients. The stench hit them fast.

“We’re going to need a maid for this first room.” said Fury, dragging his finger across the wallpaper. “And a bed. I swear do you Overlords sleep?”

“I sleep,” Alastor grinned. “Just in the corner with my eyes open.”

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Vaggie said.

Husk threw up. “Too late. Don't worry it's just from drinking.”

Charlie looked over the unfortunate souls in the corner. Their heads were gone and chunks of their body were missing. It would take a few months to put them back together. “I see you have the same care for the patients as always Alastor,” Charlie remarked.

“Hohohoho, dearie. Trust me, we both know that I could do much worse than this. This is what they get for disturbing me.” The grin on his face was so punchable. Charlie went through the revelation over and over again in her head.

“What do you mean you just bring people to the hotel?” Charlie asked. It was two weeks ago. Alastor’s house party had ended with a bang and as they were leaving they stumbled upon Jeffrey Dahmer the famous cooking host. He spilled the beans instantly.

“Yeah that’s all I do,” he said in a calm but nasally tone. “It isn’t hard and really, it’s kinda fun going around meeting interesting people in Hell. A couple of guys and I make the final roster and send the candidates to you guys. I hope they’ve been good choices.”

“You’ve sent us schizophrenics and criminals,” Vaggie replied. “They’ve been nothing but trouble for us.”

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that but, that’s the best we got. We were asked to find interesting candidates.”

“Interesting, or entertaining?”

“If you’re that upset about it I’ll shut off the flow immediately. Besides Al and I’s deal has already been fulfilled. Does that sound fair?”

Three weeks later and not a single soul had come close to the building for treatment. The demon couldn’t give an exact estimate of how many demons they sent in but Charlie had a dark feeling about the answer.

Alastor showed everyone the door. “Alright enough about my boring life. Let me show you all of the peculiar sights around here Monsieur. You’re gonna get a kick out of it I swear.”


	3. A Leak, a Tatami, a Hotbox, and a Bachelor Pad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie leads the guest along the floors showing the more interesting rooms the hotel has to offer, including the rooms occupied by the rest of the staff.

The group left Alastor’s room and went down the hallways checking out the empty rooms along the way. Alastor said he was leading but Charlie did most of the leading. It was her hotel, after all, and she was going to keep the damage low.

The hotel held enough space to house around three hundred people with a hundred four rooms. All of them were fairly standardized and kept clean. A bit here and there would do, maybe a change of the carpets. Charlie was feeling some relief. So far the place was salvageable. She’d let him keep going for now.

“If all the rooms are like this we’re in good condition,” Fury noted. “It’s starting to feel like an actual hotel in here.” He stopped when he reached a strange iron door. “What the devil does this lead to?”

Charlie tried to stop him but he unsealed the door too fast and a flood of water spilled out into the hallway, carrying them back. A foghorn blared as if it was stocked up gas. Fury gave Charlie the stink eye.

“That’s the ship section. It’s for any guests that may be more, aquatic related,” Charlie gave a nervous chuckle. Everyone was soaked. “Okay we’ve needed to empty it for awhile, but it’s still necessary.”

Fury delved in and looked up and down the hull. A few platforms marked the sides, and a pool was down below where water level dropped to. Fury observed the walls and grumbled. “It’s rusty, and everything is at a ninety degree angle. No fish client would ever want to sleep in a pig sty like this.”

“You’re not going to get rid of it aren’t you?” Charlie stepped up. Fury caught the mood.

“Aquatic guests are horribly under-served. It’s absolutely disgraceful keeping guests such as Lady Levi without suitable quarters. I’ll prepare a realignment and restructuring of the whole section.” Fury pulled out a notebook and wrote down more notes. “This will take the most time. Any other add ons to the hotel I should know about?”

Charlie gave an embarrassed grin.

“What the hell is this?” They had moved down to the fourth floor overlooking the main lobby when a draft hit them. The morning breeze came over them as they walked through the classic Japanese abode. It was completely spotless, but it presented with a wooden balcony held on by a few suspect pieces of wood that no one dared to approach. Fury paced around the tatami mat. “Is there a reason why this room exists with big hole?”

“My dad had a guest over one time that preferred it this way.” Charlie rubbed the back of her head. “Very feudal guy if you know what I’m saying.”

“I see. Is anyone living here at the moment?”

“Something like that,” Husk noted. Everyone watched as he went into the linen cupboard and pulled it open. A dozen rats came out and scurried across the floor. The girls freaked out and got on the table while the men murdered them all in their own way. For a second Fury’s composure broke at the sight of them. He barked and clawed at them like a rabid dog. Alastor reeled back at the sight.

“Rats!? Vermin!?” He was frothing at the mouth. “How could such a clean room be so corrupted by filth!? I-oh you gentlemen have this covered. Apologies. Yes, pesticide is needed, a sliding door for the room, repairs on the balcony.”

“Yes indeed,” Alastor said. “Also, please don’t do that again.”

Husk poked inside the cupboard and pulled out a singular Niffty who stared at them covered in dirt and grime. She looked like a dirty puppy. “Here’s the resident. She kinda just exists in this space. Say hi Niffty.”

“Ooh, sometimes I like to gnaw at the balcony outside, and I’ve only fallen off three times.” Everyone gave her a blank stare except for Alastor who was laughing.

“So Husk’s room is up next. We’re gonna keep going down.” Charlie said, showing them toward the second floor and out on another balcony. “It was not my decision to board him there. He chose this.”

“Hell yeah I did,” Husk said.

Two floors and a doorway later the group was led onto the second floor terrace. It was bare save for the train engine that laid at the end of a disconnected pair of tracks. The machine was cold but it had signs of coal being shoveled into it, and inside the conductor’s compartment there was a pillow and some empty booze bottles strewn everywhere.

Everyone stared at Husk. “What?” he asked. “All my stuff is in the bar. Besides, it’s warm, and I can’t stand beds anymore.”

“I guess that makes you more of a bird than cat my good friend,” Alastor quipped.

“Bite me.”

Fury paced around the terrace. “It needs fences and a garden,” he stated. “And the train should be moved out of here.”

“You take my hot box you die.” Husk threatened.

They went all the way back up to the penultimate floor. Opposite of Charlie and Vaggie’s apartment was a door that led to a merry go round jutting out the side of the building with a single ladder leading into the rooms above. “This is entirely unnecessary.” Fury grumbled. “Who in their right mind would put one of these contraptions out here?”

“That would be me,” Charlie said. “This used to be my room when I was a kid.” Everyone stared at the steep drop they were inches away from. Some childhood.

When they climbed the ladder they found themselves in a storage room that had a bunch of toys and machines stacked up in the space underneath the staircase that wrapped around the walls. In the middle the goat boys had their own pen full of straw, beds, a wardrobe, a kitchen, etc. As servants of the house they were kept it in good order.

“We may have to put the goats somewhere else,” Fury wrote down. “Are they imps or are they animated dolls? I can’t tell.”

“They’re dolls,” Charlie said. “Although animated may be an understatement. I have no idea how Dad got them to be this alive.” Nor did she want to know the answer.

“Wow, everything is glimmering up here,” Alastor commented, making his way up the spiral staircase. “I wasn’t aware anyone took up residence in he-.” He froze the second his head poked into the room. To say there were paintings in the room was as much as he could say without being graphic. Pink fuzzy carpets, a monster sized bed with full drapes, an out of place armory a snorting table in the corner, and a pen for Fat Nuggets. An alarm went off the second he tried to move again.

“Hey hey hey hey hey!” Angel’s voice could be heard from the bottom floor up as he scaled the walls to reach the intruders. “You bastards get out of my room!”

The group stared at Charlie, making her sweat. “His old room got blown up by ordinance left by some previous patients so I let him pick a new room.”

Angel scaled the ladder. “Ruined a perfectly good night too, now scram before I tie you around the horses down here.”

“No sir, I have to do my job,” Fury marched up the stairs. “I am a professional. My artistic vision will not be denied!” He went right past Alastor and gave a full three sixty of the place. “I see.” He wrote some stuff in his notebook. His notes were meticulous.

Angel went up to Alastor. “Hey Al, you can stop staring if you want to,” Angel joked. “Or are you so struck that you can’t take your eyes off me?”

Alastor cricked his neck at a creepy angle and made his way down. “You, Angel Dust, are a strange strange man.”

“Aww you just don’t get me yet. Come on up and I’ll show you the ropes.”

Fury also made his way down. “The swine will need his own room. A designated cocaine lounge and security room is also in need, and seriously for such a vibrant room more furniture with needed.” As he continued down he patted Angel by the shoulder. “Those portraits of you? True perfection. Compliments to your painter.”

Angel gave a chuckle. “See Al, he gets it."


	4. The Devil's Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie shows them the last rooms in the Hotel, one for business, and one for the Devil's pleasures.

The last area Charlie had to show the designer was the only room set on the thirteenth floor,the main office. When the elevator let them go she led them down a blank white hallway. It made a sudden turn left and up some stairs, leaving the entrants unprepared for the fiery eye that stared them down. A ball of flame was ready to be loosed, but the second it saw Charlie it calmed itself. The eye turned its attention back to the city.

The room was clad in black stone with windows on all sides and a pentagram in the middle. It bore Pentagram City’s motto ‘deserit hominem hue’. Several pairs of statues marked the outer edges with old kings of hell and at the very end of the room a single desk and chair stood in place with some papers and a photo in a frame.

“So this is the office of the great king of Hell.” Alastor walked in, his eyes drifting from left to right. “I say it’s a bit more serious in here than the rest of this wacky estate, eh Charlie?”

Charlie watched him as she walked behind the desk. The chair was already allocated to her height when she sat down. “Dad’s never been a pushover. He’s ruled this place with an iron fist for millennia.” She rolled up the chair to the window on the east end. She could see the skyline of Pentagram city as well as the steppes that went down to the center of Hell. In a small remote dot in a sea of crystal was the old castle. “But when I was born he went and made this our new home. He wanted a better place for me than that frozen wasteland.”

“Yes, very interesting,” Fury said. “This place is a bit outdated by demon standards. I believe some new statues and desk are in order, as well as getting rid of this pentagram. They’re completely outdated.”

“Right, I see.”

Angel poked at some of the statues to feel out their quality. One of them slapped him back. “Boy, feels weird being in the room where Charlie’s pops worked. Makes me feel like some sorta big shot.”

“It’ll be the furthest you’ll ever go,” Vaggie said.

“Hey, watch it.” The second he said that he flipped something on the statue and the pentagram activated. The center of the room caught fire and a visage of a black and white woman rose through the flames.

“Hello? Who’s calling me through this?” the woman asked. “Lucy? No...Charlotte? Is that you?”

“Sorry Mayor Camilla,” Charlie said, scrambling out of the desk. “It turned on its own.”

“Well you’re making me feel nostalgic right now. How’s your little ‘passion project?’”

“Good, it’s going good.”

“Has your father talked to you recently?”

She said nothing.

“I thought not. Well keep doing whatever you’re doing. If something happens let me know and I’ll smooth things over between you two. Hell knows I could use less Angels in town. Also don’t call from this line anymore. We use phones now. Okay?”

“Yes ma’am. Won’t happen again. See you later, bye.” She flipped the statue and the pentagram ceased with the fire. Angel wasn’t allowed in the office anymore. This gave Alastor a good laugh.

“No wonder you’ve been so hushed about your parents.” Alastor rubbed his finger across the windows overlooking pentagram city. “I guess we do have something in common now.”

A fireball flew inches from Alastor’s face and out the window. He was positively delighted by the princess’s temper.

Charlie dropped her finger gun and turned her attention toward her friends. “Alright, tour’s over. So what now Eisenhund?”

“We’re not done here.”

“What do you mean we aren’t?”

He stood over her. “I noticed you have a boarded up room on the first floor. What is it?”

“It’s nothing. We’re not opening it up.”

“Is it? I don’t like secrets hidden from me Miss Magne. What are you hiding? Who? Who are you hiding? I don’t like people hiding.”

“Well.” Charlie sighed as she pushed her chair back in. “Fine, I’ll show you it, but its gonna need renovations for sure. Big renovations. Can you handle that?”

“It’s the reason I’m here.”

Back on the bottom floor, Charlie showed them the large boarded up doors that stood opposite of the elevators, the blank space between the foyer stairs and the communal living. She burned away the wooden planks and opened the doors.

“Look, I know this place looks like it was built with only me in mind,” Charlie said. “But it was also a place where Mom and Dad presented their shows.” She showed the staff in and turned on the lights. Half of them were busted so the room was still dark, but most of them understood what a stage theater was. It was a three hundred seat auditorium with boxes on the sides, an extensive catwalk above and a whole backstage system in place. However most of the roof was missing, scattered across the rows of seats as debris. A makeshift solution was in place to keep out the elements. It looked like a war came through here.

“Ah, so its like the one at the palace,” Fury said. “I should’ve presumed.”

Charlie found a place to sit down. “My mom would practice singing on the stage every day, learning new songs as the years go by. My dad would watch her, and when she was ready they’d do private shows for their friends.”

Charlie took a deep breath in. A hundred sixty years back in time she was a precocious girl wailing her ass off next to her mother while practicing the high notes.

“ _Me-a-ca-dit-saaab!”_ Lilith sang, going up, then down. “ _In-pro-fun-dis-ma-ri-saaa~.”_

“ _Me-ca-sab-dee-dum!”_ Charlie attempted. _“In-prof-fff-fuuunn-nya-marisa?”_

“Ugh that was awful dear.” Lilith picked up her child and cleared her voice. “Sing it with me, _Aaaaaah!”_

“ _Aaaaaah?”_

“ _Aaaaaaah!”_ Lilith kept gesturing Charlie to bring her pitch up but the little girl hadn’t the faintest idea how to catch that social cue. Lilith gave up and put her down.

“You know she’s just a child darling.” Out in the third row seat center column, the devil himself watched with his legs crossed. “You can’t rush things like this.”

“Of course I can,” she answered, pinching Charlie’s rosy cheeks. “One day our daughter will become the most beautiful demon in all of Hell. I want her to be the kind of woman that can tear a building down with just her voice.”

“Well you keep breaking the roof in here.” The ceiling was cracking and dropping debris. “But if there’s one thing you’ll never break, it’s my heart.”

Lilith snickered. “That’s an awful line. I don’t wanna hear a word like that again.”

“I can’t promise that.” Lucifer teleported onto the stage and kissed his wife. “There’s only so many ways to proclaim my love after thousands of years with you. But, that does mean I now have thousands of ways to say I love you to this little one!” Lucifer pet the hell out of Charlie’s head, the six year old equivalent vibrating like mad through all the love.

“Daddy stop, that hurts,” she said. When he stopped the dizziness took over and she fell to the ground.

“Whoops, I forgot my own strength again,” he chuckled. “Come up girlie. It’s not gonna kill ya. You’re too tough for that.”

“Yeah I’m tough!” Charlie flexed.

“Yes you are, and when you grow up you’re going to be Queen of Hell. Isn’t that right Mommy?”

“Yes it is,” Lilith said, letting herself baby the kid for just a second. “But only when you become a full fledged lady. Can you become big and powerful for both of us?”

“Will you be taller than your old man?” Lucifer joked. Charlie laughed and nodded. She was a good girl.

Lilith stood back up. “Good, now let’s take it from the top.”

“I’m going to get some treats,” said Lucifer.

As Charlie came back to the present her eyes drifted from the stage and up to the ruined roof. The others waited for her in the aisle, not sure what she was thinking, but most of them had an idea. When she came to she simply got up and led them out of the theater.


	5. They Shook on It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Alastor disagree about certain things.

Back in the lobby the staff was biding their time with drinks while Fury gave the entire area one more look. He pulled out a sketchbook and drew out some ideas, letting his hand fly with pinpoint accuracy. His eyes drifted toward the family photos still on the wall and nodded.

“Overall your hotel needs a lot of work. There’s too much held together by cheap half measures and neglected duties, but I do see some charm in it. It’s nothing I haven’t done before. It’ll give me great joy to remake this establishment for the glory of Lord Lucifer and his esteemed daughter.”

Charlie couldn’t help but crack a smile. “Yeah, this place could use a little updating. We’ve never been good at keeping things clean. I’m sure you can make this place look spectacular.”

“Take a look at this.” He showed her the sketchbook. “I can see family values are important to you so I’ll fix up the old style, personalize that bedroom of yours to your tastes, improve logistics here, get the theater running. All this can be yours on a deal if you wish.” He extended his pawed hand.

“Thank you, uh, Fury,” Charlie said. “This has been a lot nicer than I expected.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself Fido, Miss,” Alastor stepped forth, making his way to the pictures. The two locked gazes. “Charlie, do you really have nothing grander in mind about this place? I mean, this ain’t some vacation home anymore. You’re trying to build a place that’ll send people to heaven right? Well look at all of the devil around here!” He strolled along the line of photos to make his point, which drove Charlie wild. A design document manifested in his hand, one with a deer skull and radio imprinted on it. “I brought this demon here so we can make this establishment right! Here have a look.”

The dog took the design and looked it every which direction. It had a casino, a resort in the back, a radio tower, a new insignia. “It’s a fair enough design, but the one in my head is perfect! It’ll reform this entire building, turning it into a beacon of true willpower and success, a bastion for all of demonkind to worship at its doorstep.”

“I’ll triple your payment.”

Fury shook his hand. “You have yourself a deal!” The agreement filled Fury with immense power as he balled his hand into a fist and cracked a hole in the floor. Several dozen spirits were about to come out fully loaded with old timey helmets and uniforms before Charlie pushed him away.

“No, no, no no NO! You’re not doing this Al!” Charlie yelled, dispersing the spirits with her presence. “I see what you’re trying to do here you old timey shit eater! This is my hotel, not yours! Stop trying to mess with me!”

“Mess with you? Dear, remember that I am the investor of this hotel. I have all of the money, the connections and the responsibilities to mold this place into a proper demon establishment. How can I do ANYTHING to help you if you try to stop me?”

“I ordered you to volunteer for me.”

“And now you’re changing your order? Well I don’t know what I’m supposed to do Charlie.”

“Don’t push this on me.” The two were forehead to forehead, pushing on each other. “One of your ‘connections’ told me everything. About all the ‘patients’ you’ve let in here.”

“I would’ve told you if you asked.”

“You’re using me for your entertainment!”

“And I’ve already told you that. What’s the matter? Frightened because you’re wondering how many of your patients were actually real?”

Charlie sprouted horns.

“Come now Charlie dear, mind your temper.” He said that, but he was looking sinister as well. “You’re supposed to be a leader aren’t you? What would your father think if you couldn’t effectively handle one, easy peasy partner in a simple business deal? Perhaps you’re not thinking this hotel thing through.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Look at yourself. You’re hiding behind forsaken dream to overcome the daddy issues you’ve accrued. Do you really think your hotel will work? I told you I didn’t, and yet I’ve come to help. I gave you money, prestige and a suitable client base and you’ve spat in my face. With any other demon I’d show them a new form of Hell, but I believe your work still has value to it. Give me control of this hotel, and like it or not, I’ll make your dream come to fruition.”

Charlie looked past him toward a photo of her and her family at a gala. Her mother, her father, the Von Eldriches, all so happy. Her eyes drifted down to the portrait right below where she and Nurgle Von Eldritch danced together. A wave of shame fell over her.

“Are you sure you want to have these painful memories lying around?” Alastor asked. “I think it’s high time we try things out my way. C’mon, what’s the harm of a new adventure?”

Charlie hesitated for a second, not wanting to revisit her past, but there was something else brewing in her, something that she forgot about. The second she remembered it she grabbed Alastor by the sides and slammed him through the wall. Pure unfiltered rage. “I. SAID. NO!” Her human form was barely contained. She was halfway to becoming a fully fledged goat demon. “NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOTEL!”

Everyone rushed over to the scene. Niffty went up to the hole to see if she could find Alastor. “Where did he go? Wheredhego? Where?” She asked. “Why did you do that big scary lady?”

“I haven’t seen him tossed like that in awhile,” Husk said. “Good fucking job.”

Vaggie ran up to her and held Charlie by the hand. “Calm down hon. I’m here with you. Stay with me.”

This worked to some extent. Charlie shrunk back to her original size but was still demonic. “I’m fine. It’s fine.” She breathed.

Angel whistled in the back ground. “So are we just gonna call it a day or is it gonna get much worse?”

The answer was received when a mass of black tentacles sprung from the gap, smacking Niffty off several walls across the lobby. When Alastor emerged he was visually unscathed with the same smile that he usually had. “Well, that stung a little,” he said. “I guess I’m still a little ill from that house party.”

“I told you to get out, radio demon,” Charlie said.

“If I goes so does the dog. I have all of the leverage and you don’t.”

“I can do this by myself.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“You think you’d do a better job!?”

“You bet."

“You liar.”

“Then how about a wager? Winner gets the hotel in their image?”

“Done.” And they shook on it.

“Charlie don’t!” Vaggie tried to reach out to her but before she could a flash of voodoo magic wrapped the entire group in light.


	6. What is a Dream?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Alastor fight.

When they all came to the staff realized they were on the outskirts of Pentagram city, the wastes of the first circle of Hell. Endless desert laid on all sides of the landscape and the occasional skull or artifact were marked across the light red sand. Vaggie pulled herself out of the sand in a rage. “Al you fucking asshole!” she cursed.

Angel rushed over and grabbed her by the shoulder. “You alright?” he asked. There was worry all over his face. He attempted to get rid of it. “Hey, um, hope you didn’t get any sand up your clam am I right?” And he got kicked in the face for it.

Niffty was still holding onto Husk’s hat when they materialized. “Ooh, are they going to play a game? Can I play? I’d destroy them both.”

“Forget about them. I wanna get wasted.” Husk answered. “How about we go hang out with Mimzy again?”

“Yay! We’re gonna have fun!”

“You two are just going to walk off!?” Vaggie turned toward them. “Your boss is trying to destroy our hotel!”

“So?” Husk chuckled. “This is what assholes like them do. They’re demon lords. It’s not our problem.”

“Al’s probably gonna win like he always does,” Niffty said. “So we’re gonna do our job and stay far away.” And like that they flew off.

“This is absolutely delicious,” Fury said with a fierce grin. “A duel of wills to claim true rightful ownership of the hotel, no, for Hell! This is how true kings of old were decided, on the battlefield. Might makes right! Whoever wins shall surely make great strides in this world.” He pulled out his sketchbook. “Of course such a grand gesture requires grand structures. Fury are you considering feature creep?...Yes, yes you are.”

The two demons squared off. Alastor twirled his microphone around wearing the same expression he’s always worn while Charlie stalked the outside of their perceived boundaries. A circle formed with a pentagram etched into it, making a seal. Voodoo symbols scattered across the area and sanctified it. Vaggie attempted to toss the Exterminator Spear to Charlie, but the magic was enough to reflect it back and almost take out Vaggie’s other eye. Angel had to hold her back.

“Let go of me!” she insisted. “Charlie needs me! I can’t let her fight that monster!”

“It’s too late for that.” Angel had all six arms wrapped around her. “You heard them. This isn’t our fight. You can’t change how this will go.”

“I know, but Charlie’s such a sweet girl. She’s not like Alastor. She could die!”

Angel hugged her. “You don’t know that. Relax. I mean, what’s could Alastor possibly do?”

Vaggie’s face drooped. “Well, if he’s remaking the hotel, we could be considered part of it.”

Angel’s face dropped as well. “I dunno if I should be happy about that.”

The two lords walked toward the center and came to terms. “Whoever loses the ability to fight or falls out of bound loses. Sound fair?”

“Yes it does,” Charlie said. She marched right up to him and stared him down with her blood red eyes. “I’ve been ready for this for a long time now.”

“Have you now? I hope you realize you’re fighting me, the Radio Demon. I’m just curious. Have you actually thought this through?”

The question knocked her out for a second. She realized what she just got into.

“Good, now, let us begin!”

With that Alastor snapped his fingers and a portal opened up underneath her, causing her to fall in. The echo of her scream went down a long way and soon faded from hearing range. Alastor turned toward Vaggie and Angel. “Well I think that settles that. Alright you ragamuffins, let’s see how you look in the good suits.” Alastor looked around the arena. “Why hasn’t everything gone away?”

“Good question.” Charlie flew out of the portal sporting a pair of long red bat wings. She was the spitting image of her father. “What?” she panted. “You thought it would be that easy?”

“You know Charlie, for a second, I did, but I’m glad you’re still here to make things fun.”

Charlie pointed at the ground and Razzle and Dazzle were summoned. As the two goat boys phased into existence they transformed into their true demon form. In seconds the plush figures exploded into a pair of hulking dragon-like behemoths, claws and teeth at the ready. The two outsized and outnumbered Alastor but the Radio Demon always had his backup on hand. Wraiths hidden in the shadows leaked out into reality. Ghouls of all kinds sprung up with weapons, making the three to one battle into a thirty to three bout. At the same time Alastor set the whole circle asunder with harsh soundwaves, earthquakes and the rising of a sweet Louisiana swamp. Charlie had to keep airborne, the cajun flair being too much for her.

“What’s with you and this goddamn swamp!?” Charlie yelled. A tentacle from the deep tried to get a grab on her leg. She dodged but almost went out of bounds.

Alastor pressed his advantage and summoned more. “My dear this is just nostalgia talking. Ah the sweet smell of pond scum.”

Charlie was beset on all sides and had to take swift flight paths to escape the swatting masses. Her flight skills were rusty but they held up. “Stop! There’s no room in this circle! How is this fair?”

“Oh what’s with all this complaining?” Alastor hopped on one of his gators and surfed along the bayou to follow Charlie. “You didn’t express any rules so I’m doing what I want. That’s elementary demon code Charlie.”

One of the tentacles got a hold of her and tried to drag Charlie in, but before it could she dismembered it with a precise fireball, cooking it into crispy calamari. Charlie landed on a snout of one of the crocodiles. Her form went back for a second. “Alright, new rule. I-.” She got blasted by a sound wave for her troubles.

“Ooh bullseye!” Alastor said. “I feel so alive right now!”

“Kick his ass Charlie!” Vaggie called from the sidelines. “Don’t take his shit!”

“I'm trying!” She leaped off the gator before it could snap her and she started hopping around. Her spirit came back. “Hey! You like music so much? Have some of this!”

Charlie went double finger guns and launched a salvo of fireworks at Alastor. A trail of musical notes shot across the sky before locking on the demon’s location and honing in with a symphonic carpet bomb. Alastor emerged from the smoke.

“Hahaha, wow! What a light show,” Alastor replied, getting slightly crispy.

“Then you’ll like this.” She gave a proper Hell fireball but the demon was smart enough to dodge it. She attempted to mix up the shots but Alastor was paying attention and only moved when he had to. The blazing balls went out of bounds and whizzed past Vaggie and Angel, a little too close for their comfort.

“Please, this has all been clean fun so far, but I still want my end of the bargain so I’ll speed this up.”

Alastor snapped his fingers again and his microphone let out a low wave that slowly grew in intensity. The ground slowly began to shake and the world began to distort. Charlie’s vision began to fog up with static and her ears began to bleed over the low frequency. She clutched her head in and fell into the swamp. The goat boys flew in and tried to keep her above ground but they were suffering from the number of shadows on them and crashed next to her. Alastor took the chance to do the portal trick again.

“Guys,” Charlie whimpered. “Throw me at Alastor. I’ll figure it out from there.” Dazzle picked her up in his mouth. The gaping portal sucked the two monsters in but he managed to hurl Charlie at full speed just in time. She course corrected with her wings and took the straight shot toward the demon, fireball ready to burst from her hand. She reached out and prepared to fire.

“Uh uh uh,” Alastor snapped his finger and a tentacle caught her around the waist a few feet before him. It pulled her in. “Don’t think about throwing that thing you have there at me. I’m very good at keep away.”

Charlie struggled in his grasp. “I’ll never let you win. No matter what, I won’t give up my dream!”

“Oh dear, I think you should know by now what disappointment feels like.”

“Fuck you. What is wrong with you? What do you want Al?”

“What I want is what I’ve always said Charlie. I want you to entertain me, and you’re not holding up that end of the deal.”

“You’re scared. You used too much power on that gem and now you’re afraid someone’s going to get you so you’ve come after me and my power.”

“That’s a good observation.” He squeezed her tight. She tried to throw the fireball but like he said he evaded. “But unlike you I have the confidence to believe I’ll get through my troubles just fine. I remember you having that when you made your announcement on TV. I expected you to go the distance, but a few test runs later and you’re wondering if this was even worth it. I’m not going let my fun be ruined just because my talent didn’t think this through. Now surrender. Come on. I don’t have all day Charlie.”

The princess tried to cut the tentacle but everything was working against her. She was tired, losing power and Alastor’s traps were closing in. She looked for an out, any way to make a reversal. Nothing. It was all Alastor’s territory. Outside Vaggie pleaded for her to fight, but it was getting hard to. She regretted her decision. It was apparent to her that she was a foolish woman, impulsive to a fault. Nothing would ever work out for her.

In the corner Fury was watching with unrivaled passion. A thought passed through her head.

“Hey Al, how’s this for confidence?” She shot a finger gun right at Fury and popped the fireworks in front of his face.

The reaction was what she wanted. “Fick, fickin Gott verdammt scheisse!” Fury barked. Alastor screamed. The dog’s sudden wails and angry hollers broke Alastor in an instant, years of repressed PTSD reintroducing itself. By the time he looked back Charlie loaded her last fireball and blasted him point blank in the chest. Alastor flew back like a rag doll, and just like that he was out of the circle.


	7. What Can We Teach Each Other?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie decides what she's going to do with Alastor.

The duel was over. The magic circle dispersed into a cloud of twinkling lights and the myriad of Alastor’s creations melted into the sand. By the time Charlie fell back she hit hard dry land. Her demonic horns shrunk back into her head and her eyes returned to their yellow state. She’s never felt so defeated.

“Charlie!” Vaggie rushed over to her and held her head. “You did it! You beast Alastor! I’m so happy for you!”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, her eyes turning away. She sighed. “It’s not like I won anything though. I messed up bad.”

“What are you talking about? That man has no control over us now. He can’t take over the hotel now.”

Charlie frowned. That’s what was bugging her. In the distance the two could hear laughter, a loud and staticky voice that filled the desert air. They saw him. Alastor, still flat on his back, singed suit and all, laughing away like he’s always had. He gazed at the blood red sky. “Ha ha ha! Well I didn’t expect that! What a turnaround! I didn’t even know I had feelings like that anymore. I guess I’m not as jaded as I thought I was.”

Alastor shot straight up to his feet at a 90 degree angle and walked up to Charlie. Vaggie dropped her so that she could fight him. “One more step and you’re a dead man,” she threatened with exterminator spear in hand. “I won’t let you hurt Charlie again.”

“As if you could stop me.”

Vaggie was about to slit his throat when Charlie grabbed him by the ankle. She sat herself up. “Al,” Charlie said. “Can we talk over there, on that dune, alone?”

Vaggie looked down. “But, what are you-?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll finish the job. Just watch over me. Y’know, in case I do something stupid again. Promise?”

“Promise.” Vaggie helped her up and watched as the two climbed up the desert sands. Once out of earshot she groaned. Charlie had a way of worrying her with her independence. It was like being her secretary all over again. She needed to work on her manager skills.

Angel put his arm on the short stack. “So, uh, this’ll only take a minute right?” he asked. “Because I dunno how long I can deal with this heat.”

Up on the dune the two demons stood over and looked down on the walled city metropolis. Behind them an endless desert flowed the other way, an endless sea of sand. They were on the ridge of the first circle, the edge of Hell itself.

“So why’d you do it?” Charlie asked, putting her hands in her pockets. “Why’d you have demons sent to the hotel? Y’know, besides the entertainment?”

“You’re still thinking about that?” Alastor asked. “You needed patients and I provided. Sure they were the ones that I would enjoy, but boy am I happy I used those up. You’ve made lousy progress as a teacher. No authority whatsoever.”

“Gee thanks.” Charlie thought about leaving right there. “Like you’d do any better.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. I am a man that demands respect, and I’ve been meaning to spread my word of class and style to the masses for a long time. This world is derelict and misshapen. It oughta use some touching up every once in a while.”

“That sounds like the extermination.” She stared up at the spot where heaven would be. “I guess I am bad at my job. I just don’t know what I need, what they want. Before you showed up at my door I was completely lost, defeated. I didn’t even know how to go on, but you helped me back up. And over the past few months I’ve felt like I’ve made progress somewhere, for people that don’t even know it.”

Alastor wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Well I wouldn’t call what you’ve done progress.” They looked down at Vaggie and Angel, chatting with each other like actual friends, vitriolic ones but still. Somewhere in town Husk and Niffty were enjoying each others company with Mimzy. And there between the two of them the demon belle had grown quite a bit. At the least she was more assertive. “But if happiness is considered progress I guess that would be it.”

“Yeah.” Charlie was able to return the embrace.

“So, dear. What are you going to do about that renovation? We still need a place for rehabilitation.”

Charlie dropped the embrace. “Oh, right. You tried to take over the hotel and my powers. Al, you’re fired.”

“Ha! You can’t fire me. I’m a volunteer.”

“Well I’m wielding executive authority over the Happy Hotel’s finances and practices. I make the decisions, and any other decisions must go through me from now on. Got it?”

“You’re going to use my wealth as your own piggy bank?”

“Well, I mean-.”

“No, no, keep going,” Alastor whispered. “Be confident. Be a leader.”

“Oh, uh.” Charlie had to think her decision through. “Right. Yes, I will take your money as chief owner of this establishment, and further, I’m relinquishing my teaching position and giving it to you. You’ll teach ‘class and style’ until I figure out what Heaven wants out of us. Sound good?”

“Hmmm,” Alastor thought. This had no basis in any legal system in Hell. But then again, there was no legal system in Hell. “I suppose I can give it a shot.” Charlie couldn’t help but embrace that man, which sent a shiver up his spine. Still he returned the hug. “Oh ho ho,” he chuckled to himself. “I am going to die.”

When they returned to the hotel, Fury went over his notes with Charlie one more time. They overlooked the Happy Hotel’s exterior comparing the sketches, making sure everything was perfect.

“Fraulein,” Fury said. “Are you sure you want to make these changes? You are the fuhrer of this enterprise. Why would you take from the defeated?”

“Look, this is my decision and I’ll make it. A few changes here and there won’t change the vision.”

“Very well, I’m ready to commence.” The two shook on it and Fury was able to use the borrowed power to summon a whole army of craftsmen, soldiers of flowers and gardening, construction and art. “My brothers, charge!”

The German spirits rushed the hotel and like a crashing wave rolled into the building, up the walls and through the ceilings, coating the whole hotel. Little projects started and ended in a matter of minutes. The carousal to Angel’s room was integrated into the hotel with extra structure, Niffty’s balcony was repaired, the cruise ship realigned, the train was given actual amenities and a garden. The theater restored itself to its pristine and glorious condition. Everything was repaired, realigned, perfected and the hotel became a strong looming tower. A few fortifications were added in for Fury’s personal tastes.

Then, extra changes happened. A lake was dug out in the back, the bar was expanded and made more sophisticated, a radio tower was added to the roof of the building and the bottom Happy Hotel sign made the change to Hazbin Hotel.

Vaggie walked up to Charlie. “Are you sure you wanna change the name? It’s your hotel.”

“Well, I like Happy Hotel.” Charlie scratched the back of her head. “But we have to be pragmatic. Demons will come to a Hazbin Hotel right?”

Vaggie smiled. “Yeah, they would. Where is Alastor by the way?”

On the top of the hotel, Alastor plugged himself into his new radio tower and took over every frequency in the city. “Come one come all my fellow sinners to the Hazbin Hotel. Here we have drinks, we have shows, we have everything your heart desires. Come and be trained under me, the Radio Demon, in the art of classy living, proper etiquette and other, unruly techniques. Come quick while rooms are available. This limited time offer expires soon!” Alastor twirled around the tower and looked over the east side of town. “Oh, and to a particular demon out there, I have a special lesson in store for you.”


End file.
